A couple weeks ago I had a dream. It was a stormy night, and I was in the back of a blackhawk helicopter alone. The side door was open, no gunner, and rain was just pouring in. The helicopter was flying over a rough sea, and I remember sitting there in the darkness with rain hitting my face. Suddenly the bird stopped, and hovered over a small island in the middle of the ocean. It tipped to the side and literally dumped me out. I fell and landed hard on the rocks. As I looked up, someone kicked something out, and a chest came flying out and landed at my feet. It was full of survival gear. Like SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, I looked up and shouted "HEY!!" in utter rage and frustration, but the Blackhawk righted itself, and then flew off. It dissolved into blackness and and rain, the sound of the rotors fading into howling of the wind. I turned around, looked at the chest. When I opened it, I found a map in a plastic case. The dream ended with me opening it up and trying to figure out where I was and where I had to go. It was an utterly hopeless and lonely feeling.
So the bitter and sharp brass tacks.
I won't say I'm despondent or miserable. I do feel stranded. I feel cut off from every good thing I have ever known. I have pretty much lost my family. I cut 200 virtual and real friends out of my life. Those remaining friends are all far away. My identify is intact, but it is alone now. I guess I have been leaning on a lot of others for support. My support is gone. Even where it is offered, I don't want it.
In a weird way, it hurts SO bad, that I am saying, fuck it, I want to hurt the most.
And I am ANGRY. So angry. I am not powerless, but I feel like I am pacing on that island. A highly capable individual who is in an almost impossible situation. I no longer want to do what I was doing, I can't do what I really want, and I have to do what I don't want to do. So I am pissed.
One thing is certain. I will not stand here and wring my hands. I won't clutch virtual shreds online or cradle my phone. I will take my anger and my rage and I will make it work for me. I will double, triple my efforts.
Mike can NEVER be in this position again. I must get ahead of them all. While they are sleeping, I am training. While they are sitting back, I am leaning forward. Its time to rip Fear's face off and use it to wipe my ass. Its time to ruthlessly pursue what is mine, and even take what I want. Just so long I am not harming the poor or the innocent.
Over the last 2 years, I learned how smart I was, I learned how to command. Now its time to refine those skills, its time to bring them to another level.... several levels higher. Physically, I have a lot to do. Within a year, when I walk into a room, I want to be in the top 3% of the strongest, toughest, and best looking. Mentally, in five years, I will have a masters and a doctorate. I am not fucking around any more. After I get those, maybe I will become a lawyer the way I always wanted to. Maybe a psychologist. People have always told me I had the potential to be great- I will become a legend. By 45, I will have 1,000,000 in my checking account. I will be on top of my game and I will own the road I walk on. From 2013 until 2023, I will dominate this three dimensional reality.
I like to say, No Guts, No Glory! You know, I keep focusing on the glory, and that is fucking me up. Guts always comes before the glory. I have to go through the shit storm to eat my damn lucky charms on the other side of the damn rainbow. Rainbows come after the rain, not before.
So right now, I'm in the dark and the rain. The waves are smashing against the rocks, and the hail is pounding on my face. But I have myself, I have my gear. I am making my plan, and then I will inflate my little raft and I will get to where I need to go. Not to long ago, I felt like I had been stuck in an abandoned space station that was slowly toppling out of orbit. I thought I just needed to get out of it and then I would be okay. I guess what happened is I actually did recenter the earth's atmosphere, and I came down into a barren little island in the middle of the ocean. I went from one survival situation to another. However, the difference is I was stuck in a very limited space, and in a closed loop cycle. At least now, I may only have myself and my chest, but I have the whole world open to me. I could look at it as the prey looks at the forest, but I just to look as a predator... that the darkness and unknown is full of opportunity and exciting challenges.
In a "Vote for Pedro" world, bitches- I'm taking this election.
This is my Special Forces selection test. Guys train and train, and then they are dropped into nowhere and they have to make it out. If they don't, they are not accepted into the elite.
I will fucking make the damn selection.
I may be on a deserted island in the middle of stormy sea right now, but this is not how I end.
No, not without incident. Elvis has NOT left the building, the fat lady has NOT sang, and I still have to fire my damn missile and get the EFF out of dodge.
World, I'm coming!!!
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