Winter

You know in the first Ironman when his battery was about to go out and all the shrapnel was headed to his heart... I've been trying so hard, but I can't keep the light on. I mean, I will keep living and all of course, but it is such a hard road. I guess I put all my strength and energy... my IDENTIFY into keeping the life boat I called my marriage and family afloat. Now I'm treading water in an open sea surrounded by broken boards. In many ways, its a change for the better, but I guess I feel like the part that was the primary "me" for 14 years is dying some sort of terrible death of lonely starvation or something. I used to quote Camus... that in the midst of winter, there burned within me an invincible summer... Some sort of freezing winter storm like a typhoon of ice just picked me up and slammed me down... Every bone feels like its broken. It's like an ice age hit and entropy is winning man. I'm sort of staggering around in the snow now... The holidays are coming, and I want nothing to do with them. I don't want kindness, I don't want sadness, I don't want happiness. It's weird but I just want to get to an ocean and look out for a long, long time until this bad feeling goes away.