Wow. I'm actually really happy this morning, just because I am alive and doing my thing... no one except myself responsible for it. Making pancakes after an awesome night in town. Listening to trailerband and drinking Yukon coffee, fresh ground. You don't always need an external influence to be happy... sometimes it's good music, coffee, and homemade pancakes. :-) and pancakes are hard to come by here so woo hoo!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Two constants
Well. I can only count on two things in life: that working out feels good esp in a gym that is open 24 hrs, that the harder the job, the better I perform.
My heart is a piece of iron. I have established a routine that taxes me on purpose, but at night silence and sadness hit me like a sledgehammer.
I see a bleak future. I will stay here for two years and work my ass off. I don't care for the Army but I am good at what I do, unfortunately that just slingshots my career forward.
I honestly think I will just extend so that I come back in 2015. It will be tough, but my gut says that is whats necessary.
This weekend, Christmas shopping and getting some clothes from GQ tailored for me.
Plus, working hard on my final drafts so I can start getting proofs sent. I want at least one done by Christmas.
I have a feeling life will appear to suck for awhile, and then suddenly, all my hard work will pay off in a big way. This job I have could be a major stepping stone to some amazing senior positions in corporate logistics. . . I fast track logistics, I could spring board into a 150 grand or higher job. . . I see myself there. Its just sort of empty thats all.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Winter
You
know in the first Ironman when his battery was about to go out and all
the shrapnel was headed to his heart... I've been trying so hard, but I
can't keep the light on. I mean, I will keep living and all of course,
but it is such a hard road. I guess I put all my strength and energy...
my IDENTIFY into keeping the life boat I called my marriage and family
afloat. Now I'm treading water in an open
sea surrounded by broken boards. In many ways, its a change for the
better, but I guess I feel like the part that was the primary "me" for
14 years is dying some sort of terrible death of lonely starvation or
something. I used to quote Camus... that in the midst of winter, there
burned within me an invincible summer... Some sort of freezing winter
storm like a typhoon of ice just picked me up and slammed me down...
Every bone feels like its broken. It's like an ice age hit and entropy
is winning man. I'm sort of staggering around in the snow now... The
holidays are coming, and I want nothing to do with them. I don't want
kindness, I don't want sadness, I don't want happiness. It's weird but I
just want to get to an ocean and look out for a long, long time until
this bad feeling goes away.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Getting in shape
Well, at least one thing is going right... I'm rocking my workout. Running 3-4 miles a day. Hitting the weights every morning. Of everything I envisioned, I am actually ahead of schedule on this one. I had no idea getting off meds would slingshot my workout forward. I just started protein and amino supplements today. .. so excited to see the results. Lol I'm like the only who cares but that's okay I guess. .. no photos till February. I want the transformation to be radical.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Decisions
So a lot has been going on in my life.
I almost can't keep up with things, but while my personal life relationship wise has gone completely south, everything else is coming together.
It seems that I cannot maintain a relationship with anyone right now, hard as I have tried.
I guess I just have to focus on getting strong then...
I have an amazing job here- it is not easy, but there is a red carpet that actual has a fork in it that leads to either a successful civilian DOD career or military...
I am actually getting in shape. I feel my body strengthening, watching my legs get cut again... people always hate on me b/c of my upper body's ability to show rapid muscle def, but I'm happy and yes, it still works b/c tonight I was like, awesome, its working!
I have someone who volunteered to help me publish an ebook of my poetry through her channels, so that is exciting. I will still publish one through Amazon, so really, I will have two books out in two different venues... Totally unexpected... it helps to have someone push you, and as an accomplished and published writer, she is cuffing me forward like a bear cub...
I live 10 minutes from one of the richest countries in the world; I have a brand new SUV with free gas; Doha is amazing with all its things to do, and every one of my dollars equals three of theirs- its like I'm rich; my buddies showed me this tailor shop where the guy reproduces anything you show him in whatever cloth you want- I'm taking copies of GQ and soon I will have a wardrobe of Armani and Prada... freaking crazy shit.
The sad part. I'm alone here. It's really quiet at night, and for all my privileges, the internet is limited here.
I miss my kids. I miss being loved... and I mean loved the way I need to be loved.
I have an opportunity to stay here for two years, and I am strongly considering it... I gave up my entire life and then am standing here alone in the desert. I have been walking around for several months sad, dazed and lonely, but that is getting me nowhere.
It is time to get my shit together and become the highly successful man people have always said I should be. I think it is time to just work hard for awhile and achieve my potential. I really don't have any other options.
I almost can't keep up with things, but while my personal life relationship wise has gone completely south, everything else is coming together.
It seems that I cannot maintain a relationship with anyone right now, hard as I have tried.
I guess I just have to focus on getting strong then...
I have an amazing job here- it is not easy, but there is a red carpet that actual has a fork in it that leads to either a successful civilian DOD career or military...
I am actually getting in shape. I feel my body strengthening, watching my legs get cut again... people always hate on me b/c of my upper body's ability to show rapid muscle def, but I'm happy and yes, it still works b/c tonight I was like, awesome, its working!
I have someone who volunteered to help me publish an ebook of my poetry through her channels, so that is exciting. I will still publish one through Amazon, so really, I will have two books out in two different venues... Totally unexpected... it helps to have someone push you, and as an accomplished and published writer, she is cuffing me forward like a bear cub...
I live 10 minutes from one of the richest countries in the world; I have a brand new SUV with free gas; Doha is amazing with all its things to do, and every one of my dollars equals three of theirs- its like I'm rich; my buddies showed me this tailor shop where the guy reproduces anything you show him in whatever cloth you want- I'm taking copies of GQ and soon I will have a wardrobe of Armani and Prada... freaking crazy shit.
The sad part. I'm alone here. It's really quiet at night, and for all my privileges, the internet is limited here.
I miss my kids. I miss being loved... and I mean loved the way I need to be loved.
I have an opportunity to stay here for two years, and I am strongly considering it... I gave up my entire life and then am standing here alone in the desert. I have been walking around for several months sad, dazed and lonely, but that is getting me nowhere.
It is time to get my shit together and become the highly successful man people have always said I should be. I think it is time to just work hard for awhile and achieve my potential. I really don't have any other options.
So true
It has been three months since I have been off adderral. It was one of the best things I ever did. Tonight, as my leg muscles surged me around the track, I felt the old steady familiar heart beat and I thought, thank God I am not on adderral. A little bit of absent mindedness and occasional melancholiav is worth feeling calm, strong and healthy. Yes, have to work harder to keep slim, but I actually can enjoy working out and my heart no longer pounds out of my chest. Endorphins are such a better high, and I sleep like a baby. :-)
http://mobile.nytimes.com/blogs/opinionator/2013/03/04/the-last-all-nighter/
Ironman
My training has a goal now: I will compete in an ironman next year... triathalon in Hawaii... bring the pain!
Monday, November 11, 2013
Wow
Happy veterans day. Didn't get to talk to the kids. I did speak to my parents. Amazing how oblivious some people are.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Fuck the Police
One more time.
Fuck the police man, seriously, fuck the motherfucking police.
I'm so tired of all the bullshit.
I just wanted a normal life.
I just wanted to be fucking happy.
Like godblessed fucking Amy Winehouse.
What the FUCK.
Fuck the police,
Fuck everything,
Fuck the world...
Fuck all of THEM!
Yep, dude.
Mike, I won't say Fuck you to you...
I'm sorry bud, I really am.
You have tried and tried, and what good has it done you.
NONE.
Its okay....
Get the damn dragonfly out of the road and power him up.
You have to get him back up, get in flight.
Fuck man, seriously, fuck.
Fuck the police man, seriously, fuck the motherfucking police.
I'm so tired of all the bullshit.
I just wanted a normal life.
I just wanted to be fucking happy.
Like godblessed fucking Amy Winehouse.
What the FUCK.
Fuck the police,
Fuck everything,
Fuck the world...
Fuck all of THEM!
Yep, dude.
Mike, I won't say Fuck you to you...
I'm sorry bud, I really am.
You have tried and tried, and what good has it done you.
NONE.
Its okay....
Get the damn dragonfly out of the road and power him up.
You have to get him back up, get in flight.
Fuck man, seriously, fuck.
Amy Winehouse Tribute
Amy Winehouse, epitome of poise
With sultry tones and a rolling beat,
Her incredible vibe, that husky voice!
When I heard she died,
It stopped me cold, middle of the day,
Horns beeped at me, center of the street.
I did not know her,
Yet I mourned.
She was bad girl beautiful
Secretly vulnerable yet invincibly strong
Glorious in her imperfection,
She flipped devastation the bird
Even to the end, she owned every stage
Magnificent swag melted into tragically sad
She was a failure but always a fighter
A badass bitch, helluva survivor.
She stared the cameras down, kept it real
Her eyes flashed and spoke
In the face of addiction, she danced
At the height of pain, she sang
Fired from her heart-chords, the vocals came.
Amy Winehouse, I am sad you died.
You were a bad girl with a good soul.
I pictured you at your funeral, quietly asleep,
Face framed by that luxury of hair.
A dangerous snow-white in a beautiful dress
The tattoos on your arms told a story,
They were folded across your chest.
Winehouse, I barely knew you
But the failures who keep fighting
Those of us who are survivors-
On tough days, we listen to your music
Rest easy girl, just know you are missed.
Amy Winehouse, epitome of poise
With sultry tones and a rolling beat,
Her incredible vibe, that husky voice!
With sultry tones and a rolling beat,
Her incredible vibe, that husky voice!
When I heard she died,
It stopped me cold, middle of the day,
Horns beeped at me, center of the street.
I did not know her,
Yet I mourned.
She was bad girl beautiful
Secretly vulnerable yet invincibly strong
Glorious in her imperfection,
She flipped devastation the bird
Even to the end, she owned every stage
Magnificent swag melted into tragically sad
She was a failure but always a fighter
A badass bitch, helluva survivor.
She stared the cameras down, kept it real
Her eyes flashed and spoke
In the face of addiction, she danced
At the height of pain, she sang
Fired from her heart-chords, the vocals came.
Amy Winehouse, I am sad you died.
You were a bad girl with a good soul.
I pictured you at your funeral, quietly asleep,
Face framed by that luxury of hair.
A dangerous snow-white in a beautiful dress
The tattoos on your arms told a story,
They were folded across your chest.
Winehouse, I barely knew you
But the failures who keep fighting
Those of us who are survivors-
On tough days, we listen to your music
Rest easy girl, just know you are missed.
Amy Winehouse, epitome of poise
With sultry tones and a rolling beat,
Her incredible vibe, that husky voice!
Fuck the Police Mode
So. Enough feeling sad. Get up kid, get the FUCK back on your feet! Last time I checked, you are an artist AND a Soldier. Soldier up motherfucker...
You need to act like this is your last day to live.
Fight to the last motherfuckin' man.
Time to get hard, get tough... harden that hurt.
Yeah, we all know about your inner artist... it's Leonidas time dude.
Get back up and throw your spear!
Got nothing to lose man... from the Art of War, this is dying ground....
Attack the beach!
You need to act like this is your last day to live.
Fight to the last motherfuckin' man.
Time to get hard, get tough... harden that hurt.
Yeah, we all know about your inner artist... it's Leonidas time dude.
Get back up and throw your spear!
Got nothing to lose man... from the Art of War, this is dying ground....
Attack the beach!
Well that's that. Dust and ashes.
Well she burned all burnables, then threw away... like garbage... everything else... wedding rings etc...
Burned every picture...
Everything... even stuff that was technically probably mine.
It was over a long time ago, but now it is dead and in the ground.
Yeah, respect has been a tough one, but zero respect is at least zero. That was disrespect.
For all your talk of honor, you proved one thing- you truly are a cold, mean spirited, and heartless bitch who lives up to your reputation of self-proclaimed viciousness. You truly should go find a mobster somewhere and become his girlfriend. Good for you.
Honestly, I know I'm supposed to be cold and sardonic, but it actually made me feel sad. I guess I made you feel really worthless so you decided I deserved to feel the same. I'm not (worthless), but it still hurts when someone throws you away like that.
I guess all those things to me did not all symbolize something bad... those were years of sacrifice that still meant something. Actually, Jennifer would probably be dead right now if I had not been in her life, regardless of what she says.
I actually kept my ring. I haven't worn it, but I keep it in my little fight club box. Its super hard sometimes, but I take it out every once and awhile and think about my times with Jen. I plan to keep mine b/c it is a link to a lot of tough times and a really hard road. I just feel sad b/c Jen is still a person to me, and I feel a deep guilt and sadness for hurting her so badly. I feel like what I am trying to do is work through this horrible experience. It is really horrible, and there is no one holding my hand through the valley of the shadow of death... big boy time you know? She acts like I'm skipping along the yellow brick road holding Dorothy's hand. lol It's DARK out here... you know?
This act, while at least a very clear breaking of her attachment to me, it sort of went off the charts on hatefulness. Yeah, it hurt to have someone burn everything, and then throw away the other stuff. Get rid of letters and stuff, I got it, but put the other stuff in a box or something. Its not the first time she's shredded stuff though...
What happened with us is... when the U.S. atom-bombed Japan, imagine then if Japan had then atom-bombed not just the U.S. but all of North America... yeah, massive overkill in the response Jen. You accuse me of a trail of devastation, you did an ice skate style triple lutz with two Uzi machine guns... Nice work... not that you care.
I guess I'll meet her in the middle and ritually end the Mike part of Mike&Jen too... the thing that came to mind was from the Matrix... she is a chick, but I think she's a butch lesbian... anyway... the overall shoe fits.... sad lol...
No respect, a lot of hurt, hate... True colors... all sides.
As Lil Wayne says....
Rebirth motherfucker...
Burned every picture...
Everything... even stuff that was technically probably mine.
It was over a long time ago, but now it is dead and in the ground.
Yeah, respect has been a tough one, but zero respect is at least zero. That was disrespect.
For all your talk of honor, you proved one thing- you truly are a cold, mean spirited, and heartless bitch who lives up to your reputation of self-proclaimed viciousness. You truly should go find a mobster somewhere and become his girlfriend. Good for you.
Honestly, I know I'm supposed to be cold and sardonic, but it actually made me feel sad. I guess I made you feel really worthless so you decided I deserved to feel the same. I'm not (worthless), but it still hurts when someone throws you away like that.
I guess all those things to me did not all symbolize something bad... those were years of sacrifice that still meant something. Actually, Jennifer would probably be dead right now if I had not been in her life, regardless of what she says.
I actually kept my ring. I haven't worn it, but I keep it in my little fight club box. Its super hard sometimes, but I take it out every once and awhile and think about my times with Jen. I plan to keep mine b/c it is a link to a lot of tough times and a really hard road. I just feel sad b/c Jen is still a person to me, and I feel a deep guilt and sadness for hurting her so badly. I feel like what I am trying to do is work through this horrible experience. It is really horrible, and there is no one holding my hand through the valley of the shadow of death... big boy time you know? She acts like I'm skipping along the yellow brick road holding Dorothy's hand. lol It's DARK out here... you know?
This act, while at least a very clear breaking of her attachment to me, it sort of went off the charts on hatefulness. Yeah, it hurt to have someone burn everything, and then throw away the other stuff. Get rid of letters and stuff, I got it, but put the other stuff in a box or something. Its not the first time she's shredded stuff though...
What happened with us is... when the U.S. atom-bombed Japan, imagine then if Japan had then atom-bombed not just the U.S. but all of North America... yeah, massive overkill in the response Jen. You accuse me of a trail of devastation, you did an ice skate style triple lutz with two Uzi machine guns... Nice work... not that you care.
I guess I'll meet her in the middle and ritually end the Mike part of Mike&Jen too... the thing that came to mind was from the Matrix... she is a chick, but I think she's a butch lesbian... anyway... the overall shoe fits.... sad lol...
No respect, a lot of hurt, hate... True colors... all sides.
Rebirth motherfucker...
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Stairs
My heart is a steel chamber
Rusted and vast,
An abandoned silo
Made of distressed metal.
Ambient light makes its way below
Twists and turns, winds
Navigates a desert of arteries
Wanders eroded tributaries of veins
Meets entropy in darkness.
Companion to cast-iron stairs,
A bannister careens like a metal snake
Between elevator shaft walls,
They corkscrew up together and hang in the air.
I traverse the concourse of my heart
Slow feet on the stairs,
Climbing towards the light.
Air shakes with deep echoes
Metal walls tremble
Like the deliberate pounding on a distant door
Or thunder heard from deep underground.
The slow pulse of my march
Makes a rhythm of reverberations.
Yet in silent moments,
The sound of a violin drifts from below.
Rusted and vast,
An abandoned silo
Made of distressed metal.
Ambient light makes its way below
Twists and turns, winds
Navigates a desert of arteries
Wanders eroded tributaries of veins
Meets entropy in darkness.
Companion to cast-iron stairs,
A bannister careens like a metal snake
Between elevator shaft walls,
They corkscrew up together and hang in the air.
I traverse the concourse of my heart
Slow feet on the stairs,
Climbing towards the light.
Air shakes with deep echoes
Metal walls tremble
Like the deliberate pounding on a distant door
Or thunder heard from deep underground.
The slow pulse of my march
Makes a rhythm of reverberations.
Yet in silent moments,
The sound of a violin drifts from below.
Our Condition
Shadows from shapes and angles
Confusion of crumbling stones
Fading
Dust to ashes
Field of flowers
Glitter without gold
A silent passage
Ashes to dust.
Tabula rasa mind
Blank wall, no color
Thunder without rain or storm
Elegance that lacks context
Skin and bone without soul
Proto-human form
Defy relentless entropy
Struggle to be born.
Confusion of crumbling stones
Fading
Dust to ashes
Field of flowers
Glitter without gold
A silent passage
Ashes to dust.
Tabula rasa mind
Blank wall, no color
Thunder without rain or storm
Elegance that lacks context
Skin and bone without soul
Proto-human form
Defy relentless entropy
Struggle to be born.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Max Richter and Dinah Washington - This Bitter Earth / On the Nature of ...
http://www.youtube.com/v/s_lVjYtNNqo?autohide=1&version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=Z4Y6RY-l9PGo0VoYs9G_5Q&showinfo=1&autoplay=1
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Apparition of sorts
This morning at about 6 am, I was just startingv to open my eyes; just as I opened them there was a loud POP like an electrical explosion and a brilliant flash like a camera bulb. I jumped out of bed to see what had caused it but there was nothing. It came from the foot of my bed. I had the strong sense someone had been there but had been startled by me waking up.
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