Holding onto the wall

Night time is the worst. I try not to swallow, finally do... it is like an exploding fireball in my throat. Sometimes I fall asleep for ten minutes,  and I wake up choking and gasping for air. I sit in the bathroom, hot shower on, just trying to breathe. When I start coughing,  it is violent, i see fireworks across my retinas, and it ends with me holding onto the wall with instinctive tears streaming bc of the sharp pain. I've watched every movie.  All I can do is try and get my mind off this one pain by focusing on another.  I cough and write. Write and cough.  O100, still, even though I want to sleep,  I cannot.  I still feel the pain of the last coughing attack, I am not ready to do that again.

My sadness escapes,
A slow river.
Within me, there is a pain
Unregistered by long days;
The sky is not gentle,
It breathes a fierce heat.

There is a punishment that visits my soul in empty hours:
It is constancy of memory
By way of a
Restless mind.

My Tungsten Heart

Too much mind?
Perhaps too kind?
Too sensitive a soul?

I thought I cared
Yet when the door closed,
This wind was cold.
Time slowed
What was solid in the world transformed:

A fragile filament with a glow
Yellow light,
Then, a blow.
Shattered tungsten in the night.
Moth antennae made of wire
Dangling, mangled and tired
Cooled to red,
Faded to black.

Is it rarity of soul
Or just,
A terrible weakness-
This sadness, the transient thoughts
That I knew before I should have known,
When the song changed
When I heard the broken note.

When Your Crown Falls

When your crown falls,
Let it fall.
Let it drift down though deep water, rest in shifting sands.
For crowns are made of gold, and gold is a heavy weight.
Do not bow your head in shame
A king may become a prince.

Look out upon this world
See it newly made
Let the wind touch your hair.

When my crown fell,
I watched it go
Beneath a river that flowed,
I saw it sink from sight.

I said hello to my reflection.

I survived the smash
The shock of the splash-
Perhaps it was a brutal baptism.

Waves fade to ripples
I rise my eyes to another shore
From the bank,  beckons an open road
North, South
East,
West?
It doesn't matter where I go,
Just take me to a place
Where a woman smiles,
Orchids bloom and
Apple blossoms grow.

Goodnight sweet prince, and flights of angels... whoops, never mind. Here comes the COUGH!