Rescuing my Anima

Jung says that every female has a "male" aspect of their soul or "animus", and every male has a "female"aspect to their soul, or "anima".



I'm doing so much better in so many ways, but on quiet nights I realize that my soul still needs a lot of recovery.



When I saw this video, I got tears in my eyes.



This video IS my anima... Whenever Sia sings so hard her voice breaks, that is my Anima's voice...



I'm totally a dude, but you know, there is truth to what Jung said.



I want to get some shoes and clothes for my anima, and take her like a good Dad to get some pizza and play like 100$ worth of games in the game room.



I don't like where she's been living.

Blood is thicker

Avicii - Hey Brother (Lyric): http://youtu.be/YxIiPLVR6NA

I love this song.

I can't wait till I am free.

I plan to cut that rope and I hope to burn that bridge so I never see some people again.

When I rise again from the ashes... my friends and family will be like those in this song.

We will be NORMAL but EXTRAORDINARY.

Prayer

Imagine Dragons - Demons (Official): http://youtu.be/mWRsgZuwf_8

When things come
When you know
The truth that hurts
Over me, this storm flows
Hard rains, a wind that blows.
When my kingdom comes
When a demon pounds my door
In darkness of the waves
The white form that glows.
Let it go.
Let it go.
Throw away the harpoon,
Cap' only only carries a shield
Let Starbuck grab the wheel
Stay on course, that Tennessee home.
Start with Demons,  Imagine Dragons
End with Ellie Golding, Burn
We can light it up
So they can put it out-
We can light it up,
If they put it out
We can light it up again!
Give love to the world
We can raise our hands
Shining up to the sky
Cause we got the fire, fire, fire
We gonna let it burn, burn BURN!

Mike BURNS!

I sat down this morning and was listening to the top 40... kind of processing some stuff,  imagine dragons, demons was apropos but a great unexpected rebound reminder was ellie goulding's Burn, awesome!

Transcend.  Transcend.

Ellie Goulding - Burn (+playlist)

Such a great GREAT song!!

We, we dont have to worry bout nothing
Cause we got the fire, and we're burning one hell of a something
They, they gonna see us from outer space, outer space
Light it up, like we're the stars of the human race, human race

When the lights turned down, they dont know what they heard
Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world
We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky
Cause we got the fire, fire, fire, yeah we got the fire fire fire

And we gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn
Gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn

We dont wanna leave, no, we just gonna be right now
And what we see, is everybody's on the floor acting crazy getting loco to the lights out
Music's on, im waking up, we stop the vibe, and we bump it up
And it's over now, we got the love, there's no sleeping now, no sleeping now

When the lights turned down, they dont know what they heard
Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world
We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky
Cause we got the fire, fire, fire, yeah we got the fire fire fire

And we gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn
Gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn

When the lights turned down, they dont know what they heard
Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world

We gonna let it burn burn burn burn
Burn burn burn burn

We can light it up up up
So they cant put it out out out
We can light it up up up
So they cant put it out out out
We can light it up up up
So they cant put it out out out
We can light it up up up
So they cant put it out out out

When the lights turned down, they dont know what they heard
Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world
We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky
Cause we got the fire, fire, fire, yeah we got the fire fire fire

And we gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn
Gonna let it burn burn burn burn
We gonna let it burn burn burn burn

When the lights turned down, they dont know what they heard
Strike the match, play it loud, giving love to the world
We'll be raising our hands, shining up to the sky
Cause we got the fire, fire, fire, yeah we got the fire fire fire

And we gonna let it burn

Camus' spark

In Qatar, I started to read a book about Albert Camus by Albert Marquette. Picking it back up again in Kansas, I started from the beginning, and I'm seeing him from a completely different story perspective. I've read a lot of his work, but not a lot about him. 

I didn't realize that he was an atheist. He's a unique type of atheist though. There's a difference between someone who refuses to believe in God and one who factually believes he does not exist. It turns out that Camus refused to believe in a higher power out of rebellion, not because he disbelieved per se'. (If that makes sense...) 

I think he was really angry with God, at what many of us perceive is a divine tolerance of chaos and widespread suffering in the world. If there was a divine being armed with omnipotent power and ultimate will, how could he or she allow life to unfold without apparent meaning and impotently observe the relentless advance of pain. It indicates either a lack of existence or an ultimate negligence. 

This lack of meaning, this sweeping absurdity was completely intolerable to Camus. Regardless of divine reality, he determined to rebel against this, and to hold the line against despair and suicide, he developed his entire philosophy on the premise the very fact he could understand that he existed meant it was worthwhile to live rather than not. This realization gave birth to hope, and thus to  recovery of meaning. 

The way I understand it, and the fact that he understood there was no apparent purpose to life, was purpose enough to actually keep on living. The irony was his realization was founded upon a profound absurdity. Camus saw that to live was to be absurd, so in a way, absurdity was a fundamental part of being alive. Although, I think what he meant was the struggle between an internal desire to live and the external pointlessness (characterized by suffering and the terrible ennui of the mundane), this battle was in itself was absurd. It was  an illusion. The fact that he could see this from a third point of view meant that it was worth living, even if living was absurd and pointless.

His ideas seem almost contradictory, as strange mixture of existential anguish, sisyphean despair, and tangential optimism. But, since his quotes and his thinking consistently return to an adamant and rigorous defense of hope and light, I believe the power of his message is more contained in the man. 

The more I read, the more I am convinced his writing must be interpreted in the context of his being and by examining the record of his daily life. Life is ultimately absurd, but since we have the capacity to understand this, we have the responsibility to act, to choose a path of hope that leads to the creation of meaning. 

If there is a spark, there is always the possibility of an "invincible summer". There is always a spark. We just have to choose. Once we choose, what happens next is similar to the creation of the universe... A single atom, and a catalyst, then an explosion of energy and beauty, the big bang.

Still, it all starts with a small spark buried within a deep darkness. Upon recognition of external absurdity and apparent insignificance, if the spark, retains a sense of intrinsic value simply because it exists, then a existential coup occurs as the absurd is transcended into sublimity. It is like a paradox... What I would call a metaphysical tesseract. It's a beautiful idea.

Lone Survivor No More

07 - King Or Cripple - Delirious? - dTour 1997 Li…: http://youtu.be/O0snkN9V-yM

Months ago,  I dreamed (blogged about it here) that I was in a Blackhawk over a stormy sea... the helicopter stopped over a desert island and tilted up so that I fell out into the rocks and storm. I was a special operations guy and this was some sort of crazy test. As I looked up,  they kicked a survival chest out the bird so that it fell on top of me and flew away into the storm. I had to fend for myself. I was so sad and discouraged in the dream. Well. That describes the last six months.

So. Abandoned on a desert island in a storm.  Washed up. An epic fail. Expired registration,  four flat tires, dead batteries in the flashlight. . . When I finally watched that movie about the SF team that got cut to ribbons, Lone Survivor, I got tears bc that poor wild crazed dude flailing for his life at the end, that was me. Except I was no special ops guy or navy seal.

I might as well have called it. Done.  Ring the bell and quit.

Or not.

Maybe like in the last samurai where the dude had to keep reaching for the sword, keep crawling out of the mud. Fall, get up. Trip, take a knee, get up. Fuck up, unfuck yourself,  get up. Keep moving forward. Lightning,  storms, earthquakes,  all that shit. But drink fresh water, see rainbow,  get tough and lean, trim the fat.

I thought I was going to lose it for awhile. Then,  a crazy masterchief like the one out of halo became my wingman. He smacked the shit out of me but pulled me to my feet. Then, I made a great friend in an NCO who proved more loyal than that hawk guy in the new captain america... I dont know how many times my Columbian warlord ran in and saved me from myself,  but he certainly reversed all that damage Davidson did. Even my crazy nerdy boss jumped in and took heat rounds for me when I didn't deserve it.

Today was Masterchief's last day in ops... he is still around but has to go to maintenance but it won't be the same, not working shoulder to shoulder.  He did say he was proud of me and that he could see I was getting back on my feet. Right now,  its sort of tough bc a lot of folks are switching out, our fellowship is breaking in a way. As our ranks thin, they have to move the strong ones around.  That just means I'm going to take what Rob showed me and make up for his absence.  When a halo masterchief believes in you,  you suddenly find yourself believing in you too. All of a sudden, the masterchief leaves and then you need to fill his shoes but that's okay,  he taught you how to do it and you realize you can.

Good things  slowly come like a tough seed trying to hatch in granite.

But if you seek it, you will find it.

Like my favorite song: My glorious. 

We believe that....

God is bigger than the air i breathe, the world we'll leave. God will save the day! And all will say: My Glorious!

Even if its only me who sings, I hear all these others singing too.

Last night.  I dreamed I was alone.  I had the magic house,  the property,  possessions I wanted,  but my family was wrecked,  everything was wrong. I had to give it all up if I wanted to be free.

Suddenly,  I was in a squatters apartment, worst ghetto rooms in the world, but I was eating breakfast with my son, bc we were together we were so happy.

Then suddenly I was in the ocean again,  out at sea, back in uniform. I was treading water. I looked down at my chest,  and it said,  Navy Seal. I looked up, and a C130 flew over with a rope out, I climbed up and this big guy pulled me in... it turned out to be a younger version of my Dad who had gone back in. He smiled, "I made some changes, good to see you son!". He had no fear in his eyes.  There were all these big halo-looking, tough dudes, they grinned and said, "Glad you could make it! Rest up, we've got work to do!"

One of them came to me, pulled me to the side, and put his hand on shoulder, he said to me, "Mike, you are never alone and don't you ever say you don't have a home.  My home in the green hills of Tennessee is your home, you can always come and stay with me." I met him once before in a dream right after Jen came out of the hospital. He looked and was dressed the exact same way, like a redneck carpenter. He really encouraged me back then too.

Personally,  I believe that dude was Jesus... and I really REALLY appreciated what he said.

I didn't know Jesus lived in Tennessee,  but that's okay. If he says I can go live with him, I'll go. That guy was good people.

Like it says in My Glorious,  all you ever do, is change the old for new.... my glorious!

King or prince, cripple or navy seal, just KEEP ME!

Wings of Desire

Motorcycle Accident--"Wings of Desire"-HQ with E…: http://youtu.be/3bZXO_xmnJc